it's odd.as someone that turned into a parent when I was a teenager I've always felt like I learned a lot from that time and what I saw around me - and that I kept that with me raising my little boy and into the teenage years.
When we were teenagers I saw many of my friends thrown out of their homes for being in trouble with the law and some no trouble at all, and it formed a lot of ideas for me about what parents do and don't do.
The odd part is now, being a parent, I don't think any one of those parents ever considered for one moment that their little boy or girl was actually going to go away, move on into the world without them and just not come back. I think they just wanted something, some part of what was going on (and there almost always WAS something happening) to stop and to have the kid back, minus whatever they were doing.
We've had the opposite problem for a while now - we've been fighting for him to be a part of our home and to START doing things. Anything for himself. Anything at all. But you can't MAKE someone try, no matter how many times you tell them they need to and how good an idea it would be.
Pretty soon the handholding turns into pulling, turns into dragging, turns into just carrying and the person that needs to start helping themselves is doing no more than before and you're breaking your back.
But, if nothing else, teenagers are amazing in their ability to see the people that are breaking themselves to try and help (if help is the right word. help implies you're also doing part) as unfair and oppressive and no matter how good they actually have it, not having it better is a good enough reason to fuck it all up, throw it all away.
Today I had to have my boy put in the back of a police car (which will take the smirk of the teenager-ist of faces), taken to the hospital and after that had to say goodbye to him.
The scary part is not him being out 'on his own' - he's in Bloomington for fuck sake, not Darfur. The scary part is not knowing when it's going to end.
I'd like to think that somewhere in there is a smart part of his brain mature enough to realize that what he had at home was good and worth changing course and stepping up to get back, or at the very least appreciate in hindsight. But how does that end?
Does he have a moment of clarity and get his shit together? Does he move on and get his shit together and maybe years from now realize that he had a lot to be thankful for and we reconcile? Or is this it from now on?
Or maybe he never gets it together and finds a way to just blame the world for his problems and be that guy that gets high too much and always manages to find a couch to sleep on that's too smart to be where he is.
I don't know. But it's not like I haven't seen it happen.
6 comments:
is that pic of Anthony? He's a handsome guy...I will pray for you in this uncertain time, and hope you continue to have a sense of humor. Don't let your sense of humor distract you from saying the true statements - which are most needed to hear, no matter how much he pukes about it. He will gain knowledge from this experience, even though you aren't giving it. Much of my knowledge has been learned from other "authority figures" in my life, therefore leading me into healthier paths - no matter what the past held. I have several articles, catch-phrases, and examples I remember - especially since I would use my bro as a real life example that I hated at one time, yet would always be there for - and he has come thru a long stage...not perfectly, but with much knowledge gained, and mistakes that have taught him limits he must make. I applaud you for putting your foot down, and taking a stand, but don't forget to show your human side too - let him know that you screwed up and you don't want him to do the same, but remember that you can't take away the experience... Ok, I'll be done preaching now - if you can call quoting "Finding Nemo" preaching (if you never let anything happen to him, nothing will ever happen to him"...or something like that)
Anyways, this struck a personal note with me, and even though my kid is not yet 13, I fear for the choices he can make when he is able. We can only do our best.
I hope you sit down with the k-boys (kindergarten) and explain the difference between punishment and choices so they can maybe understand that you are "getting help" with a situation that you are not able to handle by yourself. Kudos to you and the wife, as I read with interest, and relief that your boy hasn't started this at age 11 or 12, (that I know of) so there is a positive side to all of this. Stay strong!
Ellyn ERickson (Bob's wife)
Sigh, this is a sad development. I don't have kids, but I have a sibling that took a path of separation from our family. She had it easy, and she had a lot of support when things were tough, but still this path of self-destruction held a bizarre temptation.
Years have passed, and the initial sadness has given way to glimpses of civility.
In her own time, perhaps reconciliation will even come.
There's always hope, and the hope that change will come sooner than later.
Sending love your way...!!
I'm a silent reader, but I felt the need to send a little "good vibing" your way after this.
Realizing he's got to figure this out on his own is hard. I hope it all ends well. I really do.
Hey Butch.
Anita here, from HS. Anyways, keep your head up...it will be hard road ahead and someone has to stay strong. i had to do the same for my boy when he was 8. Hardest thing I ever had to do. Having been there myself it is hard to watch your kids go down similar roads and struggle even more than we felt we did! I am sorry, baby, hold your head high and know people are sending you their strength as well!
Tis the suck. My younger brother sounds a lot like him. Well he's better now but it took a while. I do not have kids but I watched my bro mess with my parents and they finally said fine, whatever. They let him make himself a mess and then left him with it. (not abandon mind you.) They just let him get in trouble and the law took it from there. Hang in there!
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