Poor Owen is having so much trouble at camp - they are saying he's "this close" to being removed from camp and he's already missed all of the activities where they make the stuff they're supposed to take home to show mom and dad. Sometimes it's a new activity that brings it out, sometimes it's a new group of people that aren't used to Owen that point out what we get used to around our house.
They know he has autism - you can't just say "he needs to stop having autism and shape up if he wants to stay" and expect him to get better. But at the same time I agree with them, since their job is to run a camp where kids can go fishing, not to run a camp where one kid gets to stop everything and they have to focus on him while 31 other children don't get to do any fishing.
But it stirs up a lot of conflicting emotions with mom and dad.
I sat him down and had a talk with him yesterday after a tough day at camp and he was receptive, actually added ideas to the conversation and at the end I hugged him and told all I want is for him to be able to be happy.
I'm sad over the idea that he won't get to do as many of the fun things other kids get to do because he lacks emotional regulation (that's his problem, btw, he's not a biter or a runner or anything) and gets upset and just doesn't know what to do with his feelings. Sometimes it's pure sadness that comes out in sobs, sometimes it's teeth-clenching anger and frustration that I watch him try and communicate through and it just breaks my heart.
I totally don't think that gives him a pass to just act however he chooses (if "chooses" can even be used in this context) when he's upset - he still has to follow the rules if he's to learn how to navigate this world, and he won't learn them if he's not held to them.
I really do believe that, if we coddled him and said he doesn't need to worry about that we would be dooming him to a life unprepared for anything outside our house - and every shocking encounter in the world would just tell him (and us) that he shouldn't ever venture out.
Wanting him to learn those rules is part of it - and he has in the past and come a long, long way. Sometimes you'd never know he has social concerns. And sometimes he actually does respond to being told that he will miss out if he has fits - sometimes that means he clings tenaciously to his tempter through whatever activity it is through sheer willpower, sometimes he's shown an ability to shake it off and be fine as long as he is making a conscious effort not to get angry.
But sometimes he just doesn't seem to be able to make changes he needs to, even when he knows it means he will be even unhappier in the end. He can know that all he wants (and he does, he's very logical) but that doesn't give him the ability any more than my knowing that if I can't dunk I can never be a basketball player will give me the ability to do it.
Also, in not wanting to deprive him of all the experiences he should have, I've maybe erred on the side of putting him in situations he may or may not react well to. I don't know how much pushing is really good parenting and how much is fooling myself. He surprises me all the time by tackling things I would guess would be too much for him as well as getting stuck on things he can talk through but just can't do in practice - it's hard to know when to tell him to brush it off and try harder and when I'm just asking him to do something he'll never be able to do. I can't know and, sadly, the people that have to put up with the learning process are often not people that signed up for the job or are prepared for it in the least.
Just sending him out to inflict that on all the other kids that just want to have fun without him having an episode isn't good parenting at a certain point either, especially since one of those kids is Owen's twin brother. He gets plenty of his fun time spoiled by his brother and that's doubly sad - the idea that neither of them will get to have the fun I wish they could have, or that things will just be closed off to either or both of them is just so hard to accept.
Plus Aidan is at home crying to us that kids "look at him weird" because his brother has fits all the time - that's just such an awful feeling for a little boy to be stuck with.
He just wants to have normal fun and normal friends and do normal activities.
They both just want that. But he can't. They can't. None of us can.
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