another blog typed with shaking fingers -
tonight is opening night of the kids' circus show and you have never seen cute like 20 preschoolers dressed in sparkling cowboy outfits doing trapeze and tumbling. I am excited for them and I think it will go well, even though Monday's dress rehearsal confirmed that Aidan (and probably Owen, but mostly Aidan) will be addicted to applause for the rest of his life. A switch was flipped in his powerful little brain with 300 people cheering for him. It was adorable and terrifying. Watching Aidan get the pre-show jitters filled me with a lot of 'that's my boy' empathy.
the show I have NO jitters about:
HUGE destroys 123 IMPROV!! this Friday at Punch Out - it will also be adorable and terrifying. HUGE is bringing in several priests and pastors from several denominations to forgive us for the malicious assault we will lay down on 123 IMPROV.
11PM | Brave New Workshop | $10
things with the teenager suck:
I'm pretty sure things always suck with teenagers and that's just the nature of the universe so on one hand bitching about it seems stupid, as if it is somehow unique and noteworthy. But of course, the only way to diffuse insanity of that level is to share it. So I do.
I drove the boy home from his counselor to his grandmother's house where he is staying and trying have a reasonable conversation is difficult at best, you basically just have to pretend he isn't spouting off ridiculous, intentionally hurtful statements and just keep on talking about how much you care about the kid.
Basically the argument, which I have boiled down to key themes instead of quoting him verbatim, he (and probably all teens) sets up is "You're against me!" - and levels that at all the people that support, defend and take care of him no matter what.
When you (sanely) say "No, no I'm not" you have sprung the teen-logic trap. the fact that it's the only sane and true reply doesn't matter
"See, you're fighting me!"
and so it goes, round and round.
it is a core feeling that you are the enemy and pointing out that you are not the enemy only verifies that you are at odds with his core beliefs, and therefore his enemy.
All he wants to hear is that we're proud of him and support him, and all he wants to do is things we know we will not be proud of or support, if only to see the limits of our attachment to him (which aren't there) or to show himself that he has found some kind of independence in doing something we reject. It isn't pleasant to be part of.
the break is good, having the boy out of the house to not fight for a while is good. the house feels more relaxed and there isn't this horrible looming tension around the place at the end of the night when you clench your teeth and just try to get to the end of the day without an explosive fight. That isn't there and it feels much better.
But at the same time I feel guilty feeling so much better that he's gone, I don't like the fact that my boy can't live at home and don't want to throw a party (like the one I will when he moves out for the right reasons...oh yes) even though the relief borders on ecstatic.
There are mixed emotions.
Today's keyword is understatement.
on the other insane side of this shitty coin is Anthony's mother - who stopped by this morning to drop off money she owes us for child support and decided to stay and ask about the teenager, basically 'what's his problem' and 'what are you guys doing about it' and 'I should talk to him'
and it took everything I had to just keep getting the twins dressed for school and let the wife field these things (she's the brave one that answers the door, it's best for everyone...except the wife. for this alone I love her) without jamming my finger into her eyeball and pointing out that his "problem" is a complete lack of self esteem and severe emotional trauma caused by HER, the idea that she wants to talk parenting strategies is the most offensive thing I have ever heard and Anthony needs ten minutes alone with her in a room with a claw hammer, not a fucking lecture from her on how he's screwing up.
but, thankfully, I didn't. I wanted to. I still want to. I am shaking with anger.
the only thing that stops the above scenario from happening is the simple fact that she is insane and pointing out that she's a fucking horrible person that deserves the hate of her teenage son for what she did to him (instead of us, who actually have to put up with his anger instead of thanks for protecting him) will only result in.....nothing. because she is insane.
you can have all the sane, valid points in the world. you're still talking to a crazy person and they will still hear it with their crazy brain and spit out a crazy response instead of feeling the pain I want her so badly to feel. So I don't.
Besides, the twins don't need to know what kind of evil and rage their dad is capable of pointing at another human being.
they have a show to focus on.
I have work to do.
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