there's so many shades of black

I try to entertain the idea that somehow  blogging about everything is a release, a good way to 'get it all out' when things get out of control, which they often do.  Seldom do I sit down and spill it until long after, though, when I've had plenty of time to cool off, intellectualize the whole thing and reflect on it with some snide humor that makes it sound like not a big deal and I've got a solid handle on it.

Which doesn't sound much like 'getting it all out'

things are generally out of control with the teenager - and there's a lot of emotional territory ahead and I'm nowhere near calm about it.

the kid lost his driving rights and his cell phone today, which I thought went shockingly well and without incident.  I may have been deluded and he was certainly high when we spoke which probably contributed to his taking everything calmly.  If ever there was a living snapshot of what drug-use is really all about:  sitting idly by while things get shitty and helping you not get mad about for awhile.

that while wore off and we had it out.

He makes me as angry as any person on this planet can and for some reason he's supposed to be safe from the normal reprisals that come with acting that way to someone - if you treated a stranger, co-worker or really anyone else that way they'd (at the very least) tell you to go fuck yourself and probably worse.  But you don't do that to your kids.

Depending on who you listen to,  I'm supposed to feel guilty just for wanting to scream at my teenage child that he's got no redeeming qualities right now and that he's pretty unlovable (which is not to say that we don't love him, just that if you can find me someone that would read a description of his behavior and say "aw, he sounds so sweet!" I will take two shots of the Kool-Aid they're having) and the cliche of a lazy fuckup that's never going to go anywhere, just like lots of people I know that went places...which always makes me wonder if I SHOULD be screaming exactly that.  Maybe that helped them.  But maybe not.

In any case, it doesn't make the things that are done and said any less painful, knowing that you have to just stand and take it.  there's no point at which it feels like you're nobly doing your duty and someday you'll be seen in some vindicating light.

no, it just feels shitty... it just feels shitty and having to just take it and smile feels worse.  Sometimes I opt not to smile but that's the only optional part of the job.

Do me this favor, before you type out some words of encouragement or some comment of advice - think twice.  then think again.

then delete it and keep it yourself.

anyone that tries to give "If he does ______ then you should  _______" advice only more clearly demonstrates they don't understand what a teenager is.  Or what this blog is.

I'm NOT looking for sympathy or parental camaraderie or advice

Just getting it all out.