everything is all I have to give you and I'm afraid it's not enough

restless blog -

I spend a little too much time thinking about the Improv Theater Project that I've been saying is in the works for some time, I also spend a lot of time dwelling on all the reasons why it can't be done right now or why it has to wait just a little longer and how it's a risky thing to attempt for someone raising kids and trying to support a family.

I don't spend nearly enough time on the realization that all of those things are counter to what I believe deep down and that making decisions based on those things disagrees with me on a basic level and breeds a lot of agitation and unhappiness. I am unhappy with my lack of progress up to this point, not because something is stopping me but for the reasons I am stopping myself.

Ironic that with improv we preach saying 'yes' and not moving from a place of fear, listening to your inspiration and acting on it and yet I've been stuck with my feet in the starting blocks for a long time just waiting for the right time to jump and not doing it out of fear. Obviously the world doesn't operate on improv theory and there are self-preservation skills you wont find in the utopian idea of everyone chasing their dreams without looking both ways for traffic. But... if I didn't think there was something to it I wouldn't be doing it and I have a hard time teaching those ideas to people while not toeing the line myself. This is the lesser of the two unsettling realities but still worth mentioning.

Even more strange is what I've been doing to protect my kids - the exact same things people have always done to protect their kids, I've been trying to make sure they have everything they need to be anything they want and not giving them the example of what that looks like. In fact I'm showing them that they can't do the things I'm telling them they can do. Not if they want to have all the things they associate with happiness and think adults should reach for - a home, a family and all the stability that you need to build those things on.

We recognize that our children learn how to live from us the same way we did from our parents and we often get stuck repeating the same patterns over generations - and yet any attempts to break out of the rut just end up digging it deeper. I'm sure my parents (who probably read this blog) had things they wanted to chase that didn't make sense when you have a family to think of, things they put aside in order to give me the stability I would need to stand on to make the big jump and take the big risks. I'm on the edge and I pull back, not wanting to risk the stability my kids need to stand on to make their big jump.

My kids aren't learning how to step out and take the risks they need to, when to bet big and throw the dice and take the big chances from parents that refuse to gamble. They're learning that they can be anything they want as long they do it while they're young and before it's too late - like their parents did(n't). And yet the things their parents did made them happy as kids and they're going to want their kids to happy...the same pattern that sets them up for the unsettling choice between their dreams and their stability and we're also telling them which the answer should be when the time comes for them to choose...even if they don't like it.

Not the first time in my adult life I find myself at the same choice. and I don't like it.

We whisper in their ears that they can be anything in this world, to take the big risks and reach for it no matter what - but we show them that if they reach too far they might lose the hand they need to feed their kids.

I'm hoping to do better.