a bloody war on the boardwalk and the kid from Lowell rises to the bell

Thursday blog and I'm glad to be in the office -

Things with the teenager are no good right now and he's doing that teenagery thing of making them as bad as possible, complaining about how much he hates it all the while because - clearly - it's everyone else's fault. This is all pretty normal stuff, doesn't make it fun...just normal. We're having our Tyler Durden moment in the household and on the blog.

Hung out on Sunday night talking parenting madness with Jason and a couple guys and it was good to just get some of it out there, talk to someone that can relate to being stuck in this position - my friend Little Joe used to say it was like having your hand tied to a hot stove, I'm going to go with the Fight Club thing. Any sane and thinking person would stop doing something like this but you can't.
"This is your pain, this is your burning hand. It will hurt more than you've ever been burned, and you will have a scar."

Some days it feels like I'm just propped up, some days it seems like things are better and lots of them feel like everything you do is like making it worse.

and of course, since I haven't yet managed to compartmentalize totally, the mixed emotions that go into just dealing with the teenager extend well outside the house. Even though I feel like I don't have any energy left to do other things I am so glad to do them - just because they're something else. It makes it seem like I'm really into my job or really 'letting go' when I get to improvise but a big chunk of it is just the relief of a change of pace.
"No...what you're feeling is premature enlightenment."

It feels stupid to go to work and spend time on theories on 'how people learn and can use interactive technology' when my boy is self-destructing and I don't have any energy or attention left to spend on helping corporations train their employees better (or, honestly, give a fuck if they do), it feels odd to think about getting onstage to make other people laugh when the teenager is unhappy enough to eclipse everything funny and trying to act energetic, happy and carefree seems at best hypocritical and at worst completely acting happy and carefree instead of being that way, even for a few hours. But at the same time I'm glad I have all these things to inject some fun (the shows), maybe distract a little (the job) and remind me, just like we keep telling the teenager and ourselves - this isn't all there is. Everyone uses the phrase (and I have) "this too shall pass" as if it will just wash over us and be done, the truth is nowhere near that gentle.
"The first soap was made from the ashes of heros, like the first monkey shot into space. Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing"

So one hand is tied to the stove but the other hand can still juggle a little bit to keep the mind off the stove. But everyday you go back home and put your hand back on the stove (or under the chemicals to keep the Fight Club thing going) again, because you can't just quit.  that isn't part of the deal.
"Shut up. Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed on us, what does that tell you about God?"

it's not all without positive revelations as well - Having the boy early in life as I did, I have often thought about time that was "lost" of my teenage years, and thoughts about getting that time "back". Even though I still got to do most things and had a good amount of latitude to be childish during that time there's still the big ripples that come from something like that. It's come up many times when I've spoken to therapists and counselors and all sorts of professionals. It's obviously a major thing that anyone in the field (or with a brain) would expect to cause some emotional issues. Strangely, having a teenager has been the best treatment for the conflicted feelings that come from loving your kid and feeling like you missed some time as a teenager because of having a kid. Standing where I am now it's pretty clear - As much as it sucks being the parent of a teenager I wouldn't choose to BE a teenager again for anything. As unhappy as he makes everyone around him, he is less happy. Nevermind that he causes a lot of it. He has to go through this and make it out the other side and even though it sucks it's gotten me closer to the other side of some things that have weighed on me for a long time.


"It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything"


Congratulations, you're one step closer to hitting bottom.